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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
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People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford