Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
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Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.