[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
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There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore