If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
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Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺