much to think about
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I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting