Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
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THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.