Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
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Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.