The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
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[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
*aggressively waits in line*
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!