single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
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After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend