Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
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I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.