When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
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Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
This checks out
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
reminder
oh my god
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea