so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
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[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
When you’re here for the treats.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?