Yep, it’s trueππΌπππ
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I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so Iβll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didnβt have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that catβs house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again π sheβs back inside indefinitely
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I told my 5yo we werenβt going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, youβve made your point. Iβll turn up the thermostat.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I take back everything bad Iβve ever said about the Welsh
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof youβre alive
Me: can I just text them
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. π
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one timeβ
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
You ever walk behind someone and you havenβt seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty