My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
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Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed