I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
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Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Good point.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?