If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
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Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine