Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
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The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
I’m already scared
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.