You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
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Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Risking my life for fun.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.