When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
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Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.