Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
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If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
taking June’s advice to heart
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
*pokes sex life with a stick
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.