Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
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Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man