“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
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*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
My five year plan is a meteorite
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves