if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
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Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
A woman drives into a bar.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*