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If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Oh my God.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
THIS HEADLINE
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches