replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
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Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
I am crying
Sing it!
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”