For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
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I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
lost dog
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog