I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
You Might Also Like
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.