Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
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OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Just say no
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
This kinda thing happens to me often
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.