Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
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Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here