What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
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Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
what could possibly go wrong?
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.