I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
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my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
synchronized noseblowing
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
who did the taste test?
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you