I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
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[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
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My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
scrabbled eggs
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.