As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
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Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.