To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
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yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.