A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
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Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…