My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
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Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Nice try, NASA
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Me trying to “trust the process”
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.