If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
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My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Mistakes were made
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Don’t talk down to me
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home