The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
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Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.