Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
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I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
The Punning Dead.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.