You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
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Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
The options really are this bad
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.