I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
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an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
God has abandoned us.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Can’t. Being lazy.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
The struggle is real
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch