The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
You Might Also Like
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
reduce, reuse, recycle
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired