shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
You Might Also Like
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?