i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
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I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.