I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
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Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.