the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
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Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
I’m an avid indoorsman.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Yup
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.