I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
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Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not