Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
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Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Oh hi lol
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping