*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
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[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.