son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
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me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
I’m awake but I object,
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
yall want some gasoline milk
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol